The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
