On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
