I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
