The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
