I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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