I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
