i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
