You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
