Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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