I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
