So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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