We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
