I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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