i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
