what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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