Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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