oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
