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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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