I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
