can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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