Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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