my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you had me at cake vodka
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
