just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
