Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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