There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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