Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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