Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
In America we eat man semen.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
