I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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