i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
