I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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