she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
