Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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