I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
