there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
