It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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