im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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