i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
