just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
