I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
My life is pants optional.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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