Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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