when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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