If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
