i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
