You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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