i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
