I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize