So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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