Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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