Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
