Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
