hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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