It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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