you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
she pinky promised me she was 18
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
