I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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