i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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