i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
