just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
