i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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