I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
