I wannas sexs uuuuu
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
